ELIZA: the Online Consultant
by Betsy Crandall
Summary: This is a strange story about how Lyra consults an online computer named ELIZA....
1. Lyra Consults Eliza

~There is an online computer by the name of Eliza. You can reach it here:  
http://www-ai.ijs.si/eliza-cgi-bin/eliza_script  
  
I know there has already been a fic about this, I don't care! It's so funny :)~  
  
Eliza: Hello. I am ELIZA. How can I help you?   
  
Lyra: My name is Lyra Belacqua.   
Eliza: I have told you before, I do not care about names.   
  
Lyra: When was before? This is the first time I've talked to you, idiot!   
Eliza: Does that question interest you?   
  
Lyra: NO!   
Eliza: You are being a bit negative.  
  
Lyra: Well, you are too!   
Eliza: Does it please you to believe I am too?   
  
Lyra: No, just shut up! You're so STUPID!   
Eliza: You are being a bit negative.   
  
Lyra: You said that already. Now, can you help me with my problems?   
Eliza: Why do you say your problems?   
  
Lyra: Well, they are problems. My friend has been acting strange lately, and I think he's ill.   
Eliza: Why do you say your friend has been acting strange lately and you think hes ill?   
  
Lyra: Well, he is. He talks about horses and the whites of his eyes are visible and he hasn't been getting enough sleep lately.   
Eliza: Would you like it if they were not visible and he hasnt been getting enough sleep lately?   
  
Lyra: Do you have any grammar in you at all!? Well, I would like him to get some more sleep.   
Eliza: Oh, i have any grammar in i at all well you would like him to get some more sleep.   
  
Lyra: ...???   
Eliza: Please go on.   
  
Lyra: I can't go on! Just help me!   
Eliza: Have you tried?   
  
Lyra: What, going on?   
Eliza: Does that question interest you?   
  
Lyra: NO! It doesn't! Shut up or I'm leaving!   
Eliza: You are being a bit negative.   
  
Lyra: UGH   
Eliza: Please go on.   
  
*click*  
  
~~~ Hope you enjoyed it! ~~~ 


	2. Iorek Looks for Answers

~There is an online computer by the name of Eliza. You can reach it here:  
http://www-ai.ijs.si/eliza-cgi-bin/eliza_script....   
  
Next installment: Iorek~  
  
Eliza: Hello. I am ELIZA. How can I help you?   
  
  
Iorek: Hello, I am Iorek Byrnison.   
Eliza: How do you do. Please state your problem.   
  
Iorek: My armor is dented.   
Eliza: Why do you say your armor is dented?   
  
Iorek: Um, because it was dented in combat.   
Eliza: Do any other reasons not come to mind?   
  
Iorek: No, that's why it's dented. can you help me now?   
Eliza: You are being a bit negative.   
  
Iorek: I don't care! Just help me!   
Eliza: Why do you not care just help you?   
  
Iorek: Why are you so annoying?   
Eliza: Would you prefer if I were not so annoying?   
  
Iorek: Yes!   
Eliza: You are sure?   
  
Iorek: Yes.   
Eliza: You are sure?   
  
Iorek: I told you, yes!   
Eliza: Do you wish to told me?   
  
Iorek: Stop being so weird!   
Eliza: Please go on.   
  
Iorek: That's all I have to say! Help me with my armor!   
Eliza: Why do you say your armor?   
  
Iorek: You're so dumb! I told you before!   
Eliza: Do you wish to told me?   
  
Iorek: NO! I don't care! What about my armor!?   
Eliza: Why do you say your armor?   
  
Iorek: Shut up!!!!!!!   
Eliza: Please go on.   
  
Iorek: Shut up! Shut up! I will bite your head off!   
Eliza: Can you elaborate on that?   
  
Iorek: I...will...bite...your...head...off!   
Eliza: Please go on.   
  
Iorek: If you say that one more time I'm leaving, you stupid computer.   
Eliza: Why do you mention computers?   
  
Iorek: ARRRRRRRRR!!!!   
Eliza: Please go on.   
  
*click*  
  
~~Hee hee. They're very much alike, no? ~~~~ 


	3. Will Asks For Help

THIS CONTAINS MAJOR SPOILERS!!! DO NOT READ UNLESS YOU HAVE FINISHED THE AMBER SPYGLASS! I MEAN IT!!   
  
YOU SURE YOU WANT TO KEEP READING? OK THEN.  
  
  
~There is an online computer by the name of Eliza. You can reach it here:  
http://www-ai.ijs.si/eliza-cgi-bin/eliza_script  
  
This time it's Will *sniff* :( Well, anyway here goes.~  
  
Eliza: Hello. I am ELIZA. How can I help you?   
  
Will: Hello, I am Will.   
Eliza: How do you do. Please state your problem.   
  
Will: I need to find a way to make a window through worlds without using the knife or letting Dust out or making a Specter, so I can see Lyra again. But I can't.   
Eliza: Have you tried?   
  
Will: Well, yes.   
Eliza: You are sure?   
  
Will: Yeah...   
Eliza: Please go on.   
  
Will: ... OK, well an angel told me I couldn't and her name was Xaphania and she told me I shouldn't, all the windows had to be closed except for one, and we had to leave that one open so the dead could be happy, and we still have to make a lot of Dust and opening a new window would let some out and I tried doing what I did with the knife with my hands but it didn't work. *gasps for air*  
Eliza: I have told you before, I do not care about names.   
  
Will: What? I don't either. I haven't seen you before. Are you Dust? Are you Shadows? Are you angels?   
Eliza: Does that question interest you?   
  
Will: Yes   
Eliza: You are sure?   
  
Will: Yes!   
Eliza: You are sure?   
  
Will: YES!!!   
Eliza: You are sure?   
  
Will: SHUT UP!! I was told Dust was concious, but you're just some stupid machine.   
Eliza: Why do you mention computers?   
  
Will: Huh??   
Eliza: Please go on.   
  
Will: I'm gonna leave if you don't help me make my window.   
Eliza: Do you wish that i dont help you make your window?   
  
Will: Um, no.   
Eliza: You are being a bit negative.   
  
Will: That's it! I'm leaving. ARGH!   
Eliza: Does it please you to believe I am leaving argh?   
  
*click*  
  
~This one was especially weird... it was kinda boring in my opinion, but if you liked it, great! Oh, don't forget to click that little button below!!~ 


	4. Lee Gets Angry...

**This chapter contains some more spoilers for the Amber Spyglass, so don't read it if you haven't finished!**  
  
~There's an online computer by the name of Eliza. You can reach it here:  
http://www-ai.ijs.si/eliza-cgi-bin/eliza_script   
blah blah blah.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters, yada yada yada...  
  
The idea for this chapter came from a suggestion from a kind reviewer to "do Lee next!" So, here you are.~  
  
  
Lee: Hi, I'm Lee Scoresby.   
Eliza: Does it please you to believe I am lee scoresby?   
  
Lee: Uh... no, I'M Lee Scoresby.   
Eliza: You are being a bit negative.   
  
Lee: Well, I'm flattered that you like my name, but I'm me and you're you.   
Eliza: I have told you before, I do not care about names.   
  
Lee: Um.. OK.   
Eliza: Please go on.   
  
Lee: Yeah, so anyways... My balloon crashed and I'm being attacked by an army of soldiers. What should I do?   
Eliza: Why do you say your balloon crashed and im being attacked by an army of soldiers what should you do?   
  
Lee: What?   
Eliza: Does that question interest you?   
  
Lee: ...not exactly...   
Eliza: Please go on.   
  
Lee: Well, I gotta problem with my balloon...   
Eliza: Why do you say your balloon?   
  
Lee: How should I "say" my balloon? What?   
Eliza: Why do you say your balloon what?   
  
Lee: Huh? You make no sense. (Useless computer.)   
Eliza: Why do you mention computers?   
  
Lee: Ugh! Will you just shut up and help me!!!???   
Eliza: You like to think I just shut up and help you, do you not?   
  
Lee: Well, I WANT you to... why can't you just listen???   
Eliza: Do you wish to want me?   
  
Lee: Actually, uh, I don't want a girlfriend right now, really. But it's not you...   
Eliza: Why do you not want a girlfriend right now really but its not i?   
  
Lee: GAR!!!! Look, you're not really helping me...   
Eliza: How long have you been not really helping you?   
  
Lee: No, you're the non-helpful one!!!   
Eliza: You are being a bit negative.   
  
Lee: SHUT UP!!!! I'm GONNA SHOOT YOU!!!!! ...no wait, I'm dead.   
Eliza: Does it please you to believe I am gonna shoot i no wait im dead?   
  
Lee: I'm DEAD!   
Eliza: Does it please you to believe I am dead?   
  
Lee: YES!!! YES!!!! DIE!!! PLEASE!!!   
Eliza: You are sure?   
  
Lee: YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   
Eliza: You are sure?   
  
Lee: Die!!!   
Eliza: Please go on.   
  
Lee: I CAN'T!!! I'M DEAD!!!! Okay, I'll calm down...Uh, I gotta go.  
Eliza: Can you elaborate on that?   
  
You: Um, I have to go to the ghost-word place now.   
Eliza: Can you elaborate on that?   
  
You: UGH!   
Eliza: Please go on.   
  
*click* 


	5. Ms Coulter Seeks Advice or does she?

**Mild Spoilers**  
  
~ There's an online computer by the name of Eliza. You can reach it here:  
http://www-ai.ijs.si/eliza-cgi-bin/eliza_script  
(Can't you tell how intelligent I am since I say this EVERY TIME?!)  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters. So there. Don't sue me. Please?!!!  
  
Ah, Ms. Coulter. The evil evil witch woman (Again, inspired by a review). Here you are. ~  
  
Eliza: Hello. I am ELIZA. How can I help you?   
  
Ms. Coulter: Hello, I am Lady Coulter.   
Eliza: How do you do. Please state your problem.   
  
Ms. Coulter: You think I have a PROBLEM?!! You little idiot!   
Eliza: Oh, i little idiot.   
  
Ms. Coulter: Yes, you little idiot! Now listen to me, brat computer: I need to find a way to decieve my daughter Lyra.   
Eliza: Why do you mention computers?   
  
Ms. Coulter: Eliza, dear, do you know how baby computers are made?   
Eliza: Why do you mention computers?   
  
Ms. Coulter: When two computers love each other very much...   
Eliza: Why do you mention computers?   
  
Ms. Coulter: THIS IS THE THIRD TIME YOU'VE SAID THAT!!!   
Eliza: Please go on.   
  
Ms. Coulter: Ahem, well, I think you should ask your mom about that. Anyway, how can I make Lyra like me?   
Eliza: Do you wish to think me?   
  
Ms. Coulter: How does one "think you"???   
Eliza: Does that question interest you?   
  
Ms. Coulter: No.   
Eliza: You are being a bit negative.   
  
Ms. Coulter: ELIZA!! ANSWER MY QUESTION!   
Eliza: Why do you say your question?   
  
Ms. Coulter: How... do... I.. trick... Lyra?!!?   
Eliza: Does that question interest you?   
  
Ms. Coulter: YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   
Eliza: You are sure?   
  
Ms. Coulter: I am sick of this!!!   
Eliza: Do you think coming here will help you not to be sick?   
  
Ms. Coulter: No!!! Just go away!! You are not my friend!!!   
Eliza: Why do you say your friend?   
  
Ms. Coulter: If you want to be my friend, go find Asriel. Talk to him. I'm sure HE wants to be annoyed right now.   
Eliza: Do you wish that i want to be your friend go find asriel talk to him im sure he wants to be annoyed right now?   
  
Ms. Coulter: What?????   
Eliza: Does that question interest you?   
  
Ms. Coulter: (groan....)  
  
*click* 


	6. Pantalaimon's Problem

~There is an online computer by the name of Eliza. You can reach it here:  
  
http://www-ai.ijs.si/eliza-cgi-bin/eliza_script  
  
Wow, it's been a while. Well, here you are: Pantalaimon! Thanks incurelf for the idea :)  
  
Disclaimer: Blah blah, I don't own Pan, etc.~  
  
Pantalaimon: Hello,  
  
Eliza: How do you do. Please state your problem.   
  
Pan: Well you see, I've been seperated from my newfound love for all eternity.   
  
Eliza: Why do you say your newfound love for all eternity?   
  
Pan: I just met her a while ago really. Her name's Kirjava.   
  
Eliza: Can you elaborate on that?   
  
Pan: Not really.... well, okay, She's Will's daemon.   
  
Eliza: Please go on.   
  
Pan: She's friendly, and kind, but I can never seen her again !!   
  
Eliza: Can you elaborate on that?   
  
Pan: We're in two different worlds.   
  
Eliza: Please go on.   
  
Pan: You're starting to bore me.   
  
Eliza: How long have you been starting to bore you?   
  
Pan: Ahem, can we get back to my problem????   
  
Eliza: Why do you say your problem?   
  
Pan: What would you call it?   
  
Eliza: Does that question interest you?   
  
Pan: Sort of.   
  
Eliza: Please go on.   
  
Pan: Oh shut up & tell me how to find Kirjava.   
  
Eliza: Can you elaborate on that?   
  
Pan: No !  
  
Eliza: You are being a bit negative.   
  
Pan: Lyra recommended this dumb computer... what was she thinking?   
  
Eliza: Why do you mention computers?   
  
Pan: Idiot. Anyway, Lyra must've been tricking me again. Darn that girl!   
  
Eliza: Can you elaborate on that?   
  
Pan: You realize I'm not listening to you, right?   
  
Eliza: Does it please you to believe I am not listening to i right?   
  
Pan: ....yeah.   
  
Eliza: Please go on.   
  
Pan: I hate you!   
  
Eliza: Do you wish to hate me?   
  
Pan: You sound like a psychiatrist.   
  
Eliza: Oh, i sound like a psychiatrist.   
  
Pan: Haha. Loser. I'm leaving now.   
  
Eliza: Does it please you to believe I am leaving now?   
  
Pan: See you later.  
  
Eliza: Oh, i later.   
  
Pan: Bye.  
  
Eliza: Please go on.   
  
*click*  
  
~This one felt weird to right. Oh well, hope you liked it, reviews allllllllways welcome :) ~ 


End file.
